Some thoughts from the silence

5:08am

The interleaving months have been filled with various struggles, though none new.

Recent stress has brought a level of anxiety that I haven’t had to deal with in quite some time. Physical tics, itches, and muscle adjustments; stress from travel, extroversion, difficult memories, and reduced time to restore myself. These stresses exacerbated the anxiety but I don’t think they were the cause – the anxiety started before the stresses.


Coming out of the anxiety somewhat was unusual. The anxiety got dramatically better in the span of a day. I had spent time trying to relax and restore. This time I had scheduled, knowing I’d need the time and space following other stressful events.

However, it didn’t seem to help. And, after a weekend, I was at my worst – far and away. I continued with some activities intended to help, but wasn’t optimistic.

But, in that day, things shifted. As usual, it’s more of a realization noted while looking in the rearview mirror not in the moment. But I did realize that evening that I was better.

Despite thinking back on my activities, I couldn’t pinpoint a likely cause for the improvement. Not that I really think it works in an obvious deterministic fashion, but still worth the question for potential learning of how to care for myself.


On the whole time more broadly, being more conscious of my anxiety greatly improves my ability to handle it. Likely via a mechanism of distance and perspective. Simply being aware of mental health issues and thinking of them as such is the single more useful thing I’ve learned in the previous year.


As usual, entries here slant towards times of being up. Time of being down fill the silence. By definition, less energy to accomplish things translates into fewer entries. More nights of disturbed sleep, more entries.

Even keeled time also tend to reflect as quiet periods with fewer entries here.


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Some thoughts from the silence