This is My Mania

4:44 am

I’ve been awake for over two hours already.
Did I mention I’ve been walking around exhausted the last several days?

This is my mania. This is what it looks like.

 

Before I identified as cyclothymic (“sub bipolar” / “sub manic-depressive”), I thought that I was just excited about things. A new job. Exciting ideas. Great opportunities. Interesting people.

I thought I had too much coffee. Or coffee too late in the day. Or ate too much sugar.

Or something.

 

It is somewhat excitement that drives this. And coffee. Caffeine as mood-booster, which is at least as important in its effect on me as the wakefulness portion of the drug. But I digress.

 

Two nights ago, when I woke up in the middle of the night, I was tired. I didn’t want to watch anything. I didn’t want to read. I didn’t want to get up and work. I didn’t want to get up at all.

All I wanted was to fall asleep so I could get up and work later. At a normal time. When I wouldn’t be tired.

 

This morning though, it’s more the common feeling: I have energy. My brain won’t stop. Oh, how it won’t stop. I started this blog which I had only thought about once before. I thought of a good quote earlier (which I now forget). I thought of several things I should do. I thought of two good ideas for work.

I watched the last episode of the “night TV show” I had been watching. Still not tired.
I started a relaxing movie that I had recommended. Thirty minutes in; still not tired.
I started a calm podcast. Twenty minutes in, I realized it wasn’t all that calming; still not tired.
I started a different calm podcast. An hour and ten minutes in; still not tired.

 

So I got up and here I am writing this; trying to sort out what it is that is affecting me.

 

This is my mania. This is what it looks like.


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This is My Mania

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